Sunday, June 6, 2010

A joke from Her "routine"

So..yeah im a big girl, chubby girl..always have been.

Couldn't get laid in High School. Tragic.

I would try like hell though!

Everything from getting blind drunk and hoping someone would take advantage of the poor defenseless voluptuous big girl with the bad self esteem to being painfully obvious...

I'd walk in the party and be like "Heyyyyy who's dick do I have to suck to suck a dick around here?!"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cafe World Personals Ad.

Not just any neighbors...

*PLAY and GIFT daily
*participate in building or whatever the challenge may be.
*preferably Female (to not make husband suspicious LOL)
*And American but not mandatory.


Monday, May 24, 2010

Reunited and It Feels So Good?

Her perspective: It was an ordinary Saturday. Except for the fact that I was about to see Him for the first time in almost a year. I got dressed and made my way to that dusty old town and his house was my first stop. So I drive up to his quaint little house. I immediately felt sorry for those poor four walls for they have seen way too much of that beast. My heart definitely went out to that toilet and shower. He comes barreling out of the house like the lummox that he is, moobs shaking. Immediately I hoped he showered today. I really did not want to stay up all night trying to rid my seat of unknown stains. I noticed that he had his camera in hand. Probably taking pictures or filming me for recreational masturbation purposes. I just shrugged it off what can I do? So he gets in my car. I immediately notice a stench, could’ve been him or me since I had been farting in my car the whole way there. Then I remembered the story about the critters that inhabited his head not too long ago and started praying that he was rid of them. I’m not going to lie, we were both kinda weirded out. Mainly cause he was giving off rape vibes that were really unsettling. I put my best face forward as he sat there and filmed me. I wish I wasn’t so desperate for friends, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with such awkwardness. We made small talk. I cracked a few jokes about our gay friend Earl and his exceptional oral sex talent. We were now on our way to meet up with our mutual friends for lunch. I made sure everyone else was going to be there when we got there because I in no way wanted to be with him at the restaurant alone. I didn’t want people saying that we were dating or something..That would be terrible. Thankfully everyone was there and I made sure to sit far away from him, the rape vibes and perverted looks still had not subsided and I noticed he had his camera on the table pointed to me and recording. Sheesh, how much footage of me does he need to get the job done? We had a good time with our companions and I only got nauseous when I looked in his direction. He was eating his food like he hadn’t eaten in days when I know he had a pre-lunch right before I picked him up. It was rather unappetizing. He really started annoying me when he was playing all his pretentious 90’s songs off his pretentious mp3 player. It’s like Ok we get it, you’re not mainstream, but you’re still a big fat loser. I mean, Barbie Girl? Seriously? After a few hours of socializing we head on over to Earl’s. We were just going to hang out there for a bit and maybe even have an impromptu photo session. Right away I noticed his…erection. And he asked frantically for the bathroom. He rushes off, camera in hand and we actually hear him fapping away. It’s like he lacks all impulse control. Quite horrifying. He comes out a bit later winded, hair a mess, face red. And we just look away and pretend we didn’t hear the disgusting grunting coming from the bathroom. Then finally it was time to take some pictures. I opted out because there were way too many people there. But that didn’t stop old starved for attention perv boy. No ,he put on a cowboy hat and threatened to take his pants off for the photo shoot. Earl coaxed the beast into NOT doing that and we were again all at ease. Earl must be a really good photographer because he turned this hideous creature into something that resembled a human being with the right lighting and props that hid most of him. Although posing quite homosexually his pictures didn’t turn out too bad. So finally it was time to get back home. We all said goodbye and it was just he and I again. I had to drop him off at home. The sexual tension eased up since he had released the demons and Earl’s..but I was still afraid. I sped all the way to his house so our time alone could be over! We said our goodbyes and I secretly hoped I wouldn’t see him again for a long time. Online he’s great cause I can just pretend he looks like someone else. But it’s really hard to do that when he’s right in front of you. I checked my seat for stains, relieved that there weren’t any and all I had to do was Febreze it a bit and then I was on my way back home. That concluded our reunion <#

His Perspective: It was around 1:55pm on Saturday, May 22, 2010. As soon as I finished making my sick mother her afternoon salad, I heard the computer IM ding and my heart stopped – I immediately knew who and what it was. I sat with my mother impatiently awaiting her arrival, going over what I was to say and do… contemplating all the possible scenarios that could have very well played out. I took a couple of shots of Jack Daniels and looked out the window – and there she came.

Parked parallel to the construction-plagued roads, I immediately noticed she was in a different vehicle than I had remembered from previous times. I distinctly recall all 500 pounds of her awkwardly fitted into small sports car with barely enough room for another passenger, but today she comes barreling in a huge gas-guzzling suv – big enough for her and at least one more person. I turn around to lock the door, then walk towards her vehicle. I notice she’s on her phone texting – quite possibly displaying the same insecurities and hiding the excitement that nearly brought my body to a climax/orgasm. As I walked closer to the vehicle, I could feel the blood rushing to my head and penis.

The further I walked towards the vehicle, the more semen I could feel stockpiling in my genitals. When I reached the door, I immediately turned away out of fear that I would literally explode in my pants and have to go change. Then… it happened.

We made eye contact. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to embrace in a long, warm hug and never let go. However, after we made eye contact, my eyes drifted around and southward - I caught a glimpse of her face and torso. Immediately, the semen stockpile retreated and my penis went flacid and literally laughed at my testicles. I couldn’t tell where her bosom ended and her belly began. Her face resembled that of a primate and her physique supported that claim to the bone. I noticed her arms – HAIRY, gorrilla-ish monster arms – and her fat hands strangling the wheel as she nervously and carefully navigated her vehicle – making sure to avoid the construction zones.

She then informed me that we had to go across town to pick up the narcy character. As we drove further, I noticed a stench of baby wipes, butt, and menstruation, but I wasn’t sure if it was yet another infamous protein shake. I only breathed when absolutely necessary, being careful to avoid the potentially toxic fumes obviously coming from her pussy. Immediately, I began to have pity on her labia majora.The mere recollection of that smell sends shivers of disgust down my spine this minute.

I tried not to say much, but I immediately started taking photographs and video footage of her for later analysis. I find apple-shaped human beings fascinating and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to study carefully the shape and culture of these creatures. When we arrived at narcy’s house, she immediately told me to stop riding like some kind of low-rider because there was not enough space in the back seat. Can you imagine that – this humongous, 800 pound gorrilla telling me to scoot up? Then, when narcy came in and complained, this arrogant, fat idiot blamed me for the lack of space!?

As we made our way to the cafĂ©, I noticed a grumbling sound coming from the primate’s direction. I knew it could be one of two things – her mating call, or her enormous mother’s pouch making space for the feast that lay ahead. She parked the vehicle and immediately ran inside and looked for the menu, so I knew she wasn’t horny, but hungry. She sat down and immediately demanded service. She tried hiding her hunger by eating like a child – picking at her food and only eating the savory parts – WHAT A FATASS.

We (everyone present aside from the animal) had a pleasant 2 hour conversation, while donkey kong kept asking for more and more food. The most embarrassing part for everyone obviously was when she licked her 3rd plate of food – DRY. I thought she was done there, but she went to the restroom – evidently ordering more food by phone in a sad attempt to salvage what was left of her apparent lack of self-control/image.

After lunch, we agreed to meet at faggots for a nice photo session. Being the insecure fatty that she is, she downright refused the opportunity to have her picture taken professionally. I can think of a few reasons why:

  1. She didn’t want to be responsible had the camera broken on her ugly face
  2. She didn’t want Earl to have to scoot back several yards in an attempt to capture her entire body
  3. She didn't want to break the chair.

I volunteered to be the first to take pictures. I was given a cowboy hat and a wooden stick and was told to play cowboy. Earl took several pictures. I immediately knew which ones were the better ones because he showed them to the obese closet lesbian, and I noticed the familiar stench of vaginal discharge that overwhelmed her vehicle overwhelming his house – those poor people.

Soon after our photo op, we parted ways. I contemplated asking gorilla if she cared for dessert/ice cream, but I realized then that I only had 40 dollars on me – a satisfying dessert for her would cost well over 100 dollars, so I was dropped off at my house. As I saw her driving away, my last thoughts of the experience were – “those poor, poor tires.”

Unholy Confessions

Him 1: umm Earl went out with the priest today
Her: um wow
Him 1: yeah
Him 1: i texted him
Him 1: asking him a question i've wondered for years
Him 1: "how big is the priest's pp?"
Her: LOL
Her: so like give me the deets
Him 1: ummm
Him 1: mr. priest invited Earl out to town for the day
Him 1: he bought him two shirts
Him 1: took him out to lunch
Him 1: and bought him ice cream
Him 1: i'm pretty sure Earl gave him head
Him 1: cuz i mean..?
Him 1: he's a priest
Her: what the hell. Is this guy even hot?
Him 1: a priest taking a guy out less A TWINK
Her: i know..
Her: I feel like i should report this. Poor Earl is gonna get molestered
Him: I can't believe Earl has a sugar father.
Her: Amen.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Compromising Positions

Him: UGH
Her: lol
Her: LOL
Her: let's be real. you're the real slut
Him: ala
Him: i don't have a vagina
Her: ohh so that's what makes a slut?
Him: a slut is a girl who opens her legs for all to fuck
Him: or
Him: it could be a girl who opens her mouth to for all to insert
Her: wow
Her: lol
Him: ?
Her: what about you? your butt has been penetrated more that god knows
Her: than*
Him: umm i've penetrated butt but my butt is an exit hole only
Her: Ew you've penetrated butt?
Him: i've penetrated butt in general
Him: not mine
Him: except that one time i felt extra kinky
Her: many "girls" have you BF'd
Him: i've fucked two in the butt
Him: and i've tossed one salad
Her: *smells imaginary shit*
Him: it tastes better
Her: like..who comes up with the idea to do it in the butt?
Her: you or them
Him: i hate butt secks
Him: it hurts my penis
Him: they like it
Him: keep in mind i can still count all my partners in my life on one hand
Her: ha
Her: i wasn't doubting that
Her: ha
Her: Fuck butt, i'd never do it lmao
Him: well u can't cuz u got no pp
Him: i personally hate it
Him: it's a rough job but sometimes it has to be done
Him: sometimes if we're doing missionary i have trouble finding the hole
Him: thats why im a doggy fan
Her: lmao
Her: so gross
Him: and occasionally i stick it in the wrong hole
Her: ewww
Him: ur telling me
Him: it's like dipping an ice cream cone in chocolate
Her: yuckkk
Him: yeah
Him: this one time
Him: i pulled it out
Him: and she started sucking it
Him: i was like EWW
Her: ass to mouthhhh
Her: say it isn't so
Him: um yeah i guess
Her: that's freakin sick dude
Him: but some girls love ass fuck
Her: Yeah i'm sure there is...
Him: i made a girl have like 4 orgasms in like 15 minutes
Her: ouchh
Him: i guess its just because tree trunks are better fit for the ass
Her: tree trunks? or branches?
Him: nono i'm wide
Him: more like a trunk stub
Her: i DID NOT want that visual
Him: it's a tough job
Him: try squeezing something the size of a coke can into a hole the size of a dime
Him: or a quarter
Him: lmao
Him: i bet she has to wear depends after that
Him: "it's diaper time"
Her: LOL

An Introduction

Him (5/18/2010 1:56:32 PM): whats for lunch
Her (5/18/2010 1:57:03 PM): ur vadge on a silver platter
Him (5/18/2010 1:57:07 PM): rude

In other words...